I Crossed an Ocean…

I will take my faith to Dublin – where my ghost is whispering I will find the next part of my story.


“They say mother earth is breathing
With each wave that finds the shore
Her soul rises in the evening
For to open twilight’s door
Her eyes are the stars in heaven
Watching o’er us all the while
And her heart it is in Ireland
Deep within the Emerald Isle”


–Ireland, by Garth Brooks

I stood on the Atlantic’s edge and watched the ocean’s foam stretch to touch me
It was seductive
My feet sank deep into the black lava sand
But then disappeared under the pounding waves, reminding me I am… erasable

A natural arch defined the vista to my left in the distance
The worlds newest islands were visible to my far right
Amazing topography forced a lungful of air at every turn
I felt bitter pleasure to absorb the beauty of this island alone

A seal danced for my enjoyment in the peaks of the ocean, amusing me 
She popped up and stared at me as I sipped champagne from the bottle
I toasted the beauty I witnessed in this land
I felt exhilaration as the cold water misted my hair, my skin
Baptizing me as if mother earth was reminding me that this is just the beginning

I stared out into the water that reaches uninterrupted to Antarctica, the other end of the world
I let out a yell that was smothered by the sound of the waves
My body felt tingles with the release
I felt the distinct richness of simplicity in this place
And I reveled in it

I thanked my higher power for the moment, the experience
I will return to this place, and I will share it

Music filled my ears, and I sang old songs I never heard before
Smiles appeared on my face that shortly before had displayed the deep sadness I can’t shake
Amazing how the transformation takes place so quickly
All it takes is believing that the ghost that stands behind me cares

Will the emerald shores be the place I feel home?
Will a walk in the cold Dublin rain wash me of my sins?
Or will a sit by the fireside melt away this cold I feel?
I will trust the ghost that wants to hold my hand as I witness the story of me

I will go, though I am scared
But I may also find what is missing
Something that may fill my gaps
Maybe my ghost will lead me to someplace new, someplace my spirit will find peace

Funny, Goofball, Sorry, Interested
“Ceiling Fan,” Sheer, Greedy, Bossy
Uniform, Red, Dishonesty, Used, Flash
Always, Tease, Goodbye
Hurt… really, really hurt

Uncomfortable, Smile, Bella, Wow, Ciao

Young, Kind, Handsome
Confused, Pissed, Add, Delete
Motorcycle, Humanities, Spirited
Baci, Washing Machine, In Sogno

Humble, Honest, Conversation, Company, Tea
Relaxing, Scared, Window, Kind
Smiles, Smiles, Smiles, Uncontrollable Smiles
Airport, Stew, Jersey, Saints, Angel
Friend, Confidant… Grateful, Thankful
“God loves a try’er” 🙂 …..   (I freaking love that saying)

Dreamt of Dublin last night. Though I have never been, I pictured myself in a pub, sitting at the corner of a bar, watching the people come in and out. Listening to laughter, and realizing I too was smiling.

I believe Ireland is calling me, and I can’t wait to find out what’s waiting for me there.

Over the last couple of days I experienced what Ansel Adams tried to make us understand through his lens. There are no words to describe the beauty of the grandest temple of nature known to us as Yosemite. It was an absorption of energy, leaving me with no room whatsoever for doubt that there is a higher power we should all fall to our knees for. I walked the paths beneath the stars, breathed air so clean and crisp my lungs felt the difference, and I dipped my feet in its cold raging rivers fed by bountiful waterfalls. The experience of sitting in its quiet completely shocked my spirit.

This place is my church. Here I will worship.

(written on July 5, 2011)

Heard this song on the radio again, and certain verses really are quite strong. The artists are called “One Republic” and the song is called “SECRETS”

“I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

‘Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I’ve said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I’ve been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those years
Sick of all the insincere
I’m gonna give all my secrets away”

The song goes on, but those particular lyrics are just right. After holding so much in for so long, I just want to bleed my honesty. I need to indulge as I look for calm. Ever need someone or something to light your years? Right now, I do. I’m sick of all the insincere. I’m burned from lies and uncalled for half truths. As a result, I have never craved honesty as much as I do at this point in my life. But, as I look around — all over the world — I find there is a culture of lies abounding, and most people drown themselves in it.

I held my breath
I closed my eyes
I tried to make the world stand still
Dear GOD please, for just a minute
But the world doesn’t work like that

I will no longer serve myself on a silver platter to feed narcissism
I will force myself to laugh, to smile, to witness
I can deliberately move forward
I focus on the exact minute when I won’t look back – its almost here

I won’t be lazy, I do know how to get up and learn a lesson

Half way around the world a handsome stranger sits alone
His face lit up by the soft light of his computer
His young devilish smile warms me

I am in Las Vegas alone. It’s a Thursday night, and I want to be somewhere elegant, away from the seedy nightlife. I get dressed up, decked out in lagoon blue silk and my best high heels, and dab Chanel No. 5 on my neck and wrists. The concierge made a dinner reservation for me at 8:30. A steak house at the Red Rock Canyon Resort. The place looks like most of the hotels on the Las Vegas Strip, but the restaurant tucked deep in the back of the casino was nice. I am seated at a table next to a large glass enclosed fireplace, which warms me from the blasting cold air conditioning that is characteristic of every hotel in town.

I am cognizant of the fact that I am the only person sitting at a table by myself. It does not bother me to sit alone, I rather like to see people as I catch their glances my way. Not sure if they feel sorry for me, or sorry that they are not me. Perhaps they wish they could get away from their dinner companions. It amuses me to wonder what they think.

I have a lovely dinner, with a gorgeous, if not wildly delicious cocktail that goes down too easily with my hearts of palm salad and perfectly cooked steak. I find myself…. tipsy.

After dinner I realize that I am not quite ready to drive. So I walk to the corner of the long bar on the other side of the restaurant. I sit at the end to people watch as they come through the door. I order a coke — not a rum and coke — just a coke. I am a tad bit disappointed that the bar tender didn’t throw any cherries in it, but oh well, c’est la vie.

As I sit and watch the younger men and women mingle, a woman enters from the rear door by the swimming pool area and sits a few seats down from me. She has salon blond hair, and I notice the lovely jewelry she is wearing. Her makeup is flawless and looks effortless. She is at least 10 years older than me. She asks if I could recommend something to order, as she forgot her glasses and can’t read the menu.

Something quite unique happened as we started talking. After not having a real conversation in several days (I’ve been on the road), I find that we are chatting like we have known each other for years. As it turns out she is originally from the area where I live, and we even graduated from the same University. She told me of her man trouble, I told her of mine. She tells me of her struggles with her kids who are kicking off their independence, leaving her with an empty and financially depleted nest. I tell her of my young daughter, and she gives advice that does not feel like lecturing. We talk about travel, and how we both like to see the world alone, because it gives both of us a sense of wholeness and rest that we don’t find when in the company of others. We listened to just how much we had in common. It’s both refreshing and frightening to find a kindred spirit here, on this anything but typical Thursday night.

She told me I reminded her of when she was my age. The softness of her voice as she spoke those words made me look up at her. I saw past the slight wrinkles around her eyes, and I realized I was looking right at me — the me I’ll be in 10 years. Her story – a need for a new self identity, not company – was my story. She told me of her new job, her new move to California, and the sense of ready to “leave the shallow, self-absorbed Las Vegas scene” behind as she begins a new phase of her life. As I looked at this stranger, I felt a kind of warm assurance that I was going to be OK, and that feeling rushed through me.

In the no more than 30 minutes that we spoke before her girlfriends showed up, I felt like I met someone who gets me. I have been struggling to open up and lean on friends to keep me company through this period of my life, but that’s not easy for someone like me. I wish I could have talked to her all night, but I politely excused myself so she could be with her friends. She wished me good luck, and as she shook my hand she looked me in the eye once more as though she was saying goodbye to an old friend.

I went on this trip to find a few days of peace, and maybe a little adventure that could give me some sense of purpose during this middle part of my life. I am convinced this was no chance meeting. This was fate handing me a look at who I’ll be, and I am starting to see that I’m going to be alright.

There’s a thick cloud of desperation everywhere
It is palatable, like acid on your tongue
You breathe it in on every corner
You smell it in every bar, at any hour of the day

Women
Collagen injected lips
Tummies tucked tight
Silicon breasts coated in an unnatural tan
Heels so high, they concentrate hard to walk

Men
They can’t hide their vanity behind the steering wheel of their overpriced sports car
They all believe it makes them look more attractive, more worthy
But even in their middle age, they lack the depth of a real man
Their selfishness is worn on their sleeve like a badge of honor

The seedy is on display in lights all over the city
Sex is money, money is power, power is everything in this town
The salty sweat of the people who come in search of fantasy rushes against your clean skin
You can drive anywhere, and never escape it
There is dysfunction and satisfaction on every corner

The lights will lure you into the city limits
The insecurity we all have will make you want to come to this place
No matter what, you will secretly like it here
Its too much to resist
Not even the heavy rain that falls can wipe it clean
You can see the dirty from the 31st floor as clear as from the street
Its too delicious to walk away for good

The sun will burn you
Welcome to hell
The natural beauty of the landscape will entice you
Welcome to Las Vegas
Time to get dressed, the night sky is calling my name

One of my favorite songs EVER is “Glitter in the Air” by Pink. When she belts out lyrics like these, I am reminded of EXACTLY how I want to live my life. I am reminded that the only thing you take with you when you take your last gasp of air is your experience. This may be my mid-life crisis speaking, but I need to throw more glitter in the air…

“Glitter In The Air”

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands? (YES)
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted? (YES!)
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? (Theoretically, YES – but I should do it literally too, no?)
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, “I just don’t care”? (Many times, WILL do it again next week… I’m all in, and ready to bring it)

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way? (Yes, but I need more)
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? (More than I care to admit)
You’re whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone (Never wanted a ring, just his word)
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? (The experience transformed me)
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside? (Yes…)

It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way? (Yes, I crave the building of emotions — that feeling you have the moment before you accomplish something great)
La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar (Everybody wants a moment like this)
Have you ever wished for an endless night? (Do you ever stop wishing for nights like this?)
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight? (Yes)
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? (I remember like it was yesterday)
Tonight (Always)

An old friend was in town and sat across the table from me over the weekend. More than a decade has passed since we shared a meal, a drink, a face-to-face conversation. The years may be showing around our eyes, but I could still see his youthful smile and the face I have adored for what seems like forever.

He is the kind of friend that has always been with me. Over 23 years, he knows my secrets, my demons, and my joy. He was with me every time a boy broke my heart, and somehow remains at the center of most of my cherished stories. Drunken laundry afternoons at the Glamorama on Hope Mills Road (why do I remember that?!!), a failed attempt to steal a giant inflatable bud light man, and a weekend at Myrtle Beach with Fred the magic pumpkin.

We watched each other grow up. While we may have splintered away from each other –for whatever reason– as he talked with me again I found him as familiar to me as my own blood sibling. “What was the name of that bar we always went dancing at in Fayetteville?” and “Do you remember making all the Thanksgiving stuffing that one year?” We shared stories of Saudi, Somalia, private letters, oh, and don’t forget Christmas in July. Ahhhhhhh…. good — no scratch that — f*ing great memories.

My fondness for my friend is timeless. My admiration for his threshold of putting up with me all these years is infinite. My astonishment, and sheer, utter gratefulness for a friend like him is unfaltering. I think we will always see life the same as we look out the west window. I hope he knows I will love him forever and ever – Amen.

Everybody please rise… oops, no wait, everyone please sit down. (inside joke).

I keep dreaming of taking that leap.
I even know the date and time when I will jump
108 stories the website says
How morbid, how exciting

I remember the inner faith it took a girl like me to jump the first time
“We’ll roll out of the plane on 3” he shouted in my ear
Pressed so close to me from behind
His hands strong around my waist as we sat in the door of that small plane
But I just smiled, I had other plans

1, 2…………no 3 heard
Just the wind flashing hard against my face
A fellow jumper sped to me to high-five the girl with her first jump
Arms in the air, spinning, rolling
Giggles of adrenaline ecstasy
I can hear him laughing with me

10,500 above the green grass of North Carolina
The meter moves down quickly
I hear the words, “pull it now!”
The chute crackles when it unfurls
The pull upward jolts me, thrills me more
I Loooovvvvvvveeeeee iiiiiiiiittttttttt

The drifting comes under my control
I guide myself to the landing zone
I pull tight, and run to my landing
My feet, my body still feel airborne

I shed the parachute
I laugh and hug
I remember a hard kiss and then driving away
Not quite just another beautiful, sunny North Carolina day

Funny, I don’t remember his name, his face
But I have always remembered the thrill he gave me
I want that feeling again
I will have that feeling again

While I quietly move around the million pieces of the mosaic that represents my life, looking for a new picture, I am not surprised at how many pieces have always belonged to him. I’ve always seen him in the mirror.

I’ve lived a lifetime loving a memory, time to let go
I have relinquished my tight grip, and I breathe hard, deep
Perhaps now he’ll carry that goodness in his heart
Maybe he’ll throw it away

Either way, I am liberated
My sentence is over
My shame is no longer hidden
The tears that fall are lighter on my aging face

This weight was my honesty, my ground truth
This natural, gentle, passionate care was always the only thing I could ever offer such a strong force
I never felt worthy, though I was indeed worthy of more
The price of insecurity was a young woman’s dream, a feeling of “home”
The cost…silence, peace, years

Shades of blue waves reflecting in the mirror
The air is so still now, she can’t breathe
Mascara runs down her hot cheeks and onto the pillows that brought her dreams
Her eyes burn from the sunlight pouring through the window

Her lace chemise torn, stained by tears
Her bones feel broken by loneliness
The voice in her head whispered lies to steal her passion
No lyric, no letter could ever save her from that profound moment

The ocean screamed her name, she runs to it
The salt of the water hurts, but washes her clean
An urge to rise up and gasp for air takes her
She kicked hard to reach the surface

The rough hot sand on her back told her that she was born again

-KC
17June2011

Have you ever missed someone you never actually met?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend at work today, and she told me a story about a guy she met online who kind of blew her mind. The two complete strangers carried on a great conversation for months. She said she would constantly be checking her email, waiting for their next exchange. He apparently said all the things she waited years to hear.  My friend, a normally outgoing, confident woman, admitted that it grew to be quite a torrid exchange, and she found herself glued to her email. Its funny, because I had noticed that my friend, a 40-something mother, seemed happier than she had been in years. You could see it in her smile, her eyes.

Of course, as all great things do, it ended faster than it began. Over the course of the last couple of weeks she found the exchanges slowing down, and couldn’t figure out why. She thought perhaps it was her rather strong personality (she can be quite sharp with her words) that may have driven him away. But a few weeks ago, she found out that there was more to the story. She found out that the guy actually had a “very serious girl friend,” and was floored by this admission. She said she liked him so much, that she told him it was OK, especially since they didn’t live near each other, and frankly she was too lonely and confused by her her own problems that she found herself almost relieved to know he wasn’t asking for more. She just wanted the company and the effects his written word gave to her.

I asked my friend why she would settle for so little. She had no answer other than to say “loneliness.”

I found myself scared by that ugly little word… “loneliness.” That feeling of despair, that makes you believe that something otherwise not worth your time, is suddenly “good enough.” I wondered why this man was not forthcoming earlier on, why he waited until she was into him, so much that his leaving (not the admission of infidelity to his actual girlfriend) literally broke my friend’s heart. She was overwhelmed by how much she missed a guy that “never even held (her) hand.” She was taken aback by how much this strange online relationship hit her. She kept saying over and over, “I never even actually met him,” as if saying it would somehow eventually sink in and help her through this difficult period.

I’ve been thinking a lot about her. As a fellow 40-something, I can understand a lot of the needs she spoke about. I know how you can surround yourself with friends and family, but sometimes, when a woman our age looks in the mirror, you just want to see something else. In a way, its about a need that you can’t fix yourself. I think its about recognition, wanting to be something worth looking at. You know, before you are of an age that no man even bothers to lift his head to look you in the eyes until maybe halfway into a conversation.

I also have been thinking that she might have been hard on the guy too. Maybe he’s feeling that loneliness too — but, I’m just guessing since I never met the guy either. What drove him to convince her to stay, when he knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere? She’ll never know for sure. I think that’s a shame. Maybe they could have been friends, or maybe it would have made it easier to say goodbye.

This all in the wake of the Representative Weiner sexting scandal has me wondering what drives people our age to do stupid shit like have intimate conversations with strangers online? Why do we live lives that cloak our true selves? Why don’t we live more openly, and really work to be the people we portray ourselves as in the silence and darkness that computer anonymity gives us? Why would she trust the word of a complete stranger to bring her that much happiness, when she didn’t even know his name?

I am sure she will eventually get over it. She has bigger fish to fry raising her kid, and maybe, fixing other relationships in her life – the ones worth fixing anyway. Until then, I guess I’ll just be a friend and listen/offer her company — which, I think, might be all she ever needed anyway.