Can Hardly Wait

The days are dragging as I get closer to my destination
I can’t sleep
Nervous… yeah, nervous
But I can’t stop smiling

I’ve kicked into high gear again (love that feeling)
I am focused on the date
I’m waiting for big moves, things to happen
I’m poised, predisposed for the unexpected

This will be my latest and possibly my greatest escapade
I plan to remember this one for all my days
I will abandon my tired everyday perspective, hopefully for good
I will take a new stance in a new city, a different country

This is exactly what I need
I know it
I embrace it
I am counting the minutes

Under the Surface of a Confident Woman

Never at my will, always at his
I throw words out to the endless universe
When its hard to be alone
When its dark and I need laughter

Sometimes the universe speaks back
But when I need company most
I always find myself sitting alone, in silence
Wondering why, and how to fix it

I’m crushing…
Happy, Sad, Loving, Lonely
Is there a super hero for me?
Can he chase my blue away?

I need to reel it back, because the reality is dreams are just that
There are no super heroes looking for me
There is only me, myself, and I
And the one I need to stay put together for

But, he’s an image I never want to lose
A soothing kind voice I want to hear
When I close my eyes softly he says to me, “I love u”
I don’t know if its real, but I want to trust it

I can hear him as if he was standing behind me
Whispering the words with care over my shoulder, in my ear
Wrapping me in warmth
Just the way I want, because I feel stronger when I don’t feel alone

And then I remember… “God loves a try’er” he whispered
So I get up, I dust off of the blue
I smile
and I live another day

Thanks

I accept now that which I did not think I ever could
I’ve come to terms with the choices I’ve made
It’s what was meant to be
It is what was written for me
I have his image forever flowing in my veins
His smile still appears at an instant
I have memories to always cherish
I think that was what was intended for me
Its a gift from GOD, and I give my thanks

One Reason to Go

So many reasons to stay

Only one reason to go
I find there to be no rationale in my thinking
I’m driven by what fills my spirit
All this travel has awakened my senses, and I am addicted
Witnessing the world has given me hope
I have finally felt peace wash over me, through me
The fear of letting go has finally diminished because of the act itself
Forever grateful for my blessings
I am, I am, I am
These tears are not of sadness
They joyfully flow to remind me, I am feeling again…

I Know Better

If dishonesty is the norm and not the exception

Then I must acknowledge that I am not above it
Insecurity at this stage is unforgivable, but understandable
But, trust should not be difficult

Bruised, battered, my spirit is struggling to face the wind
I hear my ghost, but his voice is distant and tired
I give him my wholehearted belief,
Not because he asked for it, but because I felt happy
But elements are thrown at me, testing my strength of character

I have to move forward
I have to try
How else will I breathe in the full extent of the life I have been given
Its all about now, its all about existing here

Its all about forgiveness…. isn’t it?

I will take my faith to Dublin – where my ghost is whispering I will find the next part of my story.


“They say mother earth is breathing
With each wave that finds the shore
Her soul rises in the evening
For to open twilight’s door
Her eyes are the stars in heaven
Watching o’er us all the while
And her heart it is in Ireland
Deep within the Emerald Isle”


–Ireland, by Garth Brooks





Iceland

I stood on the Atlantic’s edge and watched the ocean’s foam stretch to touch me
It was seductive
My feet sank deep into the black lava sand
But then disappeared under the pounding waves, reminding me I am… erasable

A natural arch defined the vista to my left in the distance
The worlds newest islands were visible to my far right
Amazing topography forced a lungful of air at every turn
I felt bitter pleasure to absorb the beauty of this island alone

A seal danced for my enjoyment in the peaks of the ocean, amusing me 
She popped up and stared at me as I sipped champagne from the bottle
I toasted the beauty I witnessed in this land
I felt exhilaration as the cold water misted my hair, my skin
Baptizing me as if mother earth was reminding me that this is just the beginning

I stared out into the water that reaches uninterrupted to Antarctica, the other end of the world
I let out a yell that was smothered by the sound of the waves
My body felt tingles with the release
I felt the distinct richness of simplicity in this place
And I reveled in it

I thanked my higher power for the moment, the experience
I will return to this place, and I will share it

I Will Go

Music filled my ears, and I sang old songs I never heard before
Smiles appeared on my face that shortly before had displayed the deep sadness I can’t shake
Amazing how the transformation takes place so quickly
All it takes is believing that the ghost that stands behind me cares

I will trace where it is I come from, 
The other half of my life I never knew
Going will open my eyes to the woman in the mirror
Maybe I’ll understand her better

Will the emerald shores be the place I feel home?
Will a walk in the cold Dublin rain wash me of my sins?
Or will a sit by the fireside melt away this cold I feel?
I will trust the ghost that wants to hold my hand as I witness the story of me

I will go, though I am scared
But I may also find what is missing
Something that may fill my gaps
Maybe my ghost will lead me to someplace new, someplace my spirit will find peace

Words with Meaning

Brave, Hello, Shy, Scared 
Mosaic, Timing, Alone, Real, Defined
“My Hands,” Liberated 
Nothing… it’s finally OK

Funny, Goofball, Sorry, Interested
“Ceiling Fan,” Sheer, Greedy, Bossy
Uniform, Red, Dishonesty, Used, Flash
Always, Tease, Goodbye
Hurt… really, really hurt

Uncomfortable, Smile, Bella, Wow, Ciao

Young, Kind, Handsome
Confused, Pissed, Add, Delete
Motorcycle, Humanities, Spirited
Baci, Washing Machine, In Sogno

Humble, Honest, Conversation, Company, Tea
Relaxing, Scared, Window, Kind
Smiles, Smiles, Smiles, Uncontrollable Smiles
Airport, Stew, Jersey, Saints, Angel
Friend, Confidant… Grateful, Thankful
“God loves a try’er” 🙂 …..   (I freaking love that saying)

I’ll be Grand, in Ireland

Dreamt of Dublin last night. Though I have never been, I pictured myself in a pub, sitting at the corner of a bar, watching the people come in and out. Listening to laughter, and realizing I too was smiling.

I believe Ireland is calling me, and I can’t wait to find out what’s waiting for me there.

Yosemite

Over the last couple of days I experienced what Ansel Adams tried to make us understand through his lens. There are no words to describe the beauty of the grandest temple of nature known to us as Yosemite. It was an absorption of energy, leaving me with no room whatsoever for doubt that there is a higher power we should all fall to our knees for. I walked the paths beneath the stars, breathed air so clean and crisp my lungs felt the difference, and I dipped my feet in its cold raging rivers fed by bountiful waterfalls. The experience of sitting in its quiet completely shocked my spirit.

This place is my church. Here I will worship.

(written on July 5, 2011)

Hmmmmm

Realizing that posts have been awfully sharp lately
No need for that….
Feeling good about meeting great people lately
I like it………..
Thank you universe for all the good karma I’m getting. 
Smiling is incessant lately
I like knowing my limits
I like dancing on those limits with people who want to know the real me.

Secrets

Heard this song on the radio again, and certain verses really are quite strong. The artists are called “One Republic” and the song is called “SECRETS”

“I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

‘Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I’ve said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I’ve been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those years
Sick of all the insincere
I’m gonna give all my secrets away”

The song goes on, but those particular lyrics are just right. After holding so much in for so long, I just want to bleed my honesty. I need to indulge as I look for calm. Ever need someone or something to light your years? Right now, I do. I’m sick of all the insincere. I’m burned from lies and uncalled for half truths. As a result, I have never craved honesty as much as I do at this point in my life. But, as I look around — all over the world — I find there is a culture of lies abounding, and most people drown themselves in it.

Deserved

Yes, now I am allowing myself to be angry
I am angry for the delicious lies
For all the fucking disappointment served cold
I am pissed at my naivete, my expression of weakness
Waiting and waiting, just wasting my time for unappetizing narcissism 
But dishonesty defines the boundaries, and I partake in this sin too
I am guilty of not knowing how to do this
I am guilty of being stupid, poor me (go ahead and laugh)
So fuck you for your dishonesty

I am certain the greed will hurt for awhile – I deserve all of it

20 Minutes

I held my breath
I closed my eyes
I tried to make the world stand still
Dear GOD please, for just a minute
But the world doesn’t work like that

So, I gave myself 20 minutes to release all the tension
I wrote my truth
I shared my unfiltered honesty
I acknowledged my demons, my lies
One lifetime, yet another self-inflicted stupid fall

I will no longer serve myself on a silver platter to feed narcissism
I will force myself to laugh, to smile, to witness
I can deliberately move forward
I focus on the exact minute when I won’t look back – its almost here

I won’t be lazy, I do know how to get up and learn a lesson

I know how to put one foot in front of the other and walk away (so watch me)
I have always been worth more than this… and, that’s “just how it is” 
Time is slipping away to make this… right
So I whispered one last time… “just fix it, or miss me… ‘always'”

And now… it’s fixed

The Kindness of a Young Stranger

Half way around the world a handsome stranger sits alone
His face lit up by the soft light of his computer
His young devilish smile warms me

He shares his voice with me
His image reminds me that I am not so young
But his words to me bring me back to my 20s
When he says my name
I am a believer 
He is kind and refreshing
Unselfish and raw
His conversation is timely
Sweet dreams…

The scars of greed and rejection hurt less with his “hello”
Uncertainty within is forgotten in the minutes we share
When he calls me “bella” 
He reminds me that I have spirit
Unwittingly he mends me…

A Woman Sat at the Bar Beside Me…

I am in Las Vegas alone. It’s a Thursday night, and I want to be somewhere elegant, away from the seedy nightlife. I get dressed up, decked out in lagoon blue silk and my best high heels, and dab Chanel No. 5 on my neck and wrists. The concierge made a dinner reservation for me at 8:30. A steak house at the Red Rock Canyon Resort. The place looks like most of the hotels on the Las Vegas Strip, but the restaurant tucked deep in the back of the casino was nice. I am seated at a table next to a large glass enclosed fireplace, which warms me from the blasting cold air conditioning that is characteristic of every hotel in town.

I am cognizant of the fact that I am the only person sitting at a table by myself. It does not bother me to sit alone, I rather like to see people as I catch their glances my way. Not sure if they feel sorry for me, or sorry that they are not me. Perhaps they wish they could get away from their dinner companions. It amuses me to wonder what they think.

I have a lovely dinner, with a gorgeous, if not wildly delicious cocktail that goes down too easily with my hearts of palm salad and perfectly cooked steak. I find myself…. tipsy.

After dinner I realize that I am not quite ready to drive. So I walk to the corner of the long bar on the other side of the restaurant. I sit at the end to people watch as they come through the door. I order a coke — not a rum and coke — just a coke. I am a tad bit disappointed that the bar tender didn’t throw any cherries in it, but oh well, c’est la vie.

As I sit and watch the younger men and women mingle, a woman enters from the rear door by the swimming pool area and sits a few seats down from me. She has salon blond hair, and I notice the lovely jewelry she is wearing. Her makeup is flawless and looks effortless. She is at least 10 years older than me. She asks if I could recommend something to order, as she forgot her glasses and can’t read the menu.

Something quite unique happened as we started talking. After not having a real conversation in several days (I’ve been on the road), I find that we are chatting like we have known each other for years. As it turns out she is originally from the area where I live, and we even graduated from the same University. She told me of her man trouble, I told her of mine. She tells me of her struggles with her kids who are kicking off their independence, leaving her with an empty and financially depleted nest. I tell her of my young daughter, and she gives advice that does not feel like lecturing. We talk about travel, and how we both like to see the world alone, because it gives both of us a sense of wholeness and rest that we don’t find when in the company of others. We listened to just how much we had in common. It’s both refreshing and frightening to find a kindred spirit here, on this anything but typical Thursday night.

She told me I reminded her of when she was my age. The softness of her voice as she spoke those words made me look up at her. I saw past the slight wrinkles around her eyes, and I realized I was looking right at me — the me I’ll be in 10 years. Her story – a need for a new self identity, not company – was my story. She told me of her new job, her new move to California, and the sense of ready to “leave the shallow, self-absorbed Las Vegas scene” behind as she begins a new phase of her life. As I looked at this stranger, I felt a kind of warm assurance that I was going to be OK, and that feeling rushed through me.

In the no more than 30 minutes that we spoke before her girlfriends showed up, I felt like I met someone who gets me. I have been struggling to open up and lean on friends to keep me company through this period of my life, but that’s not easy for someone like me. I wish I could have talked to her all night, but I politely excused myself so she could be with her friends. She wished me good luck, and as she shook my hand she looked me in the eye once more as though she was saying goodbye to an old friend.

I went on this trip to find a few days of peace, and maybe a little adventure that could give me some sense of purpose during this middle part of my life. I am convinced this was no chance meeting. This was fate handing me a look at who I’ll be, and I am starting to see that I’m going to be alright.

Las Vegas

There’s a thick cloud of desperation everywhere
It is palatable, like acid on your tongue
You breathe it in on every corner
You smell it in every bar, at any hour of the day

Women
Collagen injected lips
Tummies tucked tight
Silicon breasts coated in an unnatural tan
Heels so high, they concentrate hard to walk

Men
They can’t hide their vanity behind the steering wheel of their overpriced sports car
They all believe it makes them look more attractive, more worthy
But even in their middle age, they lack the depth of a real man
Their selfishness is worn on their sleeve like a badge of honor

The seedy is on display in lights all over the city
Sex is money, money is power, power is everything in this town
The salty sweat of the people who come in search of fantasy rushes against your clean skin
You can drive anywhere, and never escape it
There is dysfunction and satisfaction on every corner

The lights will lure you into the city limits
The insecurity we all have will make you want to come to this place
No matter what, you will secretly like it here
Its too much to resist
Not even the heavy rain that falls can wipe it clean
You can see the dirty from the 31st floor as clear as from the street
Its too delicious to walk away for good

The sun will burn you
Welcome to hell
The natural beauty of the landscape will entice you
Welcome to Las Vegas
Time to get dressed, the night sky is calling my name

Have You Ever Thrown a Fist Full of Glitter in the Air?

One of my favorite songs EVER is “Glitter in the Air” by Pink. When she belts out lyrics like these, I am reminded of EXACTLY how I want to live my life. I am reminded that the only thing you take with you when you take your last gasp of air is your experience. This may be my mid-life crisis speaking, but I need to throw more glitter in the air…

“Glitter In The Air”

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands? (YES)
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted? (YES!)
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? (Theoretically, YES – but I should do it literally too, no?)
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, “I just don’t care”? (Many times, WILL do it again next week… I’m all in, and ready to bring it)

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way? (Yes, but I need more)
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? (More than I care to admit)
You’re whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone (Never wanted a ring, just his word)
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? (The experience transformed me)
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside? (Yes…)

It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way? (Yes, I crave the building of emotions — that feeling you have the moment before you accomplish something great)
La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar (Everybody wants a moment like this)
Have you ever wished for an endless night? (Do you ever stop wishing for nights like this?)
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight? (Yes)
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? (I remember like it was yesterday)
Tonight (Always)