I Crossed an Ocean…

I didn’t hide from you…
Even when I was fading to darkness

Though you never chose me
I kept choosing you
Even when you stopped smiling
Even when kindness turned to something less
When the you that I loved
Became the you that you really are
I didn’t hide from you…

You are gone
But, with every loss comes reinvention
A new evolving reflection, born
I am more than I am today
I am more than I will be tomorrow
With time, memories will sting less 
My heart will soften from hard lessons
Your name will be far from lips

This journey
It's nothing new to a woman like me
I lost myself in you
And, you lost something wonderful...


C/F

I saw more in your eyes
Than any woman ever will
I feel more pain in your silence
Than any woman ever should
And still, you are with me
And that truth
You must bear too

I would have crossed the line for you
Traversed an ocean for you
Done anything you wanted
Without taking an iota from your world

Nevertheless, with each day that passes
I pay a price, for caring out loud
I have only known the worst of you
When, I am the one
Who believes in a story
That could have been the best of you

C/F

     Today I read a line, “when the time is right, let’s meet again for the first time.” The words were accompanied by a photo of a golden lit winding road. The romantic nature of this sentiment was almost too much to bear. To be prepared to walk alone. To wait for actions alone. To have faith in the future.             

How is it that the human condition allows us to move in life, with embers of affection still sparking? And, what gives us the strength to keep that level of hope alive? Is it possible that love proves our existence, and is the heart’s strength a gift? To acknowledge love is one of the greatest things we can do on this earth; you can actually feel how it doesn’t just propel you to move physically through life, but also, how it drives us to a full existence.

-C/F  27FEB23

In the shade of the night
With the energy of the stars
And, with the light of the moon
You will find me…
… Sempre
You may never have had faith in me
But, I unceasingly believe in you

-C/F

Today was a big day in my life
A day I won't ever forget
And I looked for you
But, you are not here to share this with me

My heart is heavy...

Head on your shoulder
Exhaustion in my heart
Silence spilled from my lips
As I sat besides you under the sake tree

Just 18 years old
In a place I had never been
In a space that was unfamiliar
A broken heart on the mend
From the one who said he loved me, then sailed across the sea
And the one who kissed me on the golf course
Lifting me from loneliness
Then, drove away
Leaving me to face judgment, alone

Then there you were
Your eyes told me you cared deeply
Yet you never took anything from me
You built me up
From all the broken pieces
And, never crossed the line

Because of you
I learned I could be loved and not abandoned.
It was beautiful, and confusing, and exactly what I needed

And as you moved on
I told you “if you’re not married by 30, marry me”
It was my all of my heart
It was more than a simple “I love you too”

Always and forever
Katie
Under the sake tree

To miss you, Is confusing
Wanting your happiness, Knowing I am the cost
A madness, A strength
A sadness, A longing
To find you
I can only reach within me
Knowing not your hand
Knowing not your heart
But, in knowing mine

-CF

The sun he gave me faded with silence and indifference. Never once did he leave me with hope that I flowed through his veins. Never once have I had peace in me, since the day he asked me not to say the words…

With each dawn I shall wake 
But, I will not let my mind wander to you 
Even as another Spring passes 
And the seasons tell a tale of how once upon a time you found me 

I will keep waking 
And, with each day 
My name will be more distant from your tongue 
So your temper may fade away 

Between sunrise and sunset 
I will reach for all the reasons why I travelled this far
To see I am in not in your thoughts
And, in the silence of each morning 
I will hear that my name is not a lyric in the song you sing...

Confess to the wind
Let it carry your words far
Feel deserved peace
Allow air to fill your lungs with the love you have within
Let your burden fade away...

Give yourself grace and kindness.

Find joy in the place where the love in you lives, even when you know it alone.

Forgive the ones that failed you, because they lost more than just you.

And, never regret the reasons why your heart has a rhythm… dance all of your years to it.

Though your lips never caressed the nape of my neck...
          Your hands never touched the curve of my waist...
    Your arms never gave me warmth...
And, though your words were never spent on me...

It was your eyes that failed to see, everything you had in me

-CF

Why do my eyes lie to me?
Why is hope the only thing I see? 
Do my eyes see things not there?
Images, moments we never shared

Why do I see something more in you?
Why isn’t there a clearer view?
Why do I see something more than you can see?
Is that the reason you find fault in me?

Maybe my eyes didn’t lie
Perhaps the reason why my heart still cries?
Nevertheless, I know your eyes have failed to see
Everything that you had in me

Living in silence
I can hear the deafening truth
I genuinely lost my way
Looking to find something in your eyes
My heart animated unreality
My desire…
Nothing but greed
Always answering your call…
My fidelity to you
Leaving you in the past
It’s so very hard
Believing I love you…
Is even harder
Convincing myself it was wrong
Is a bridge too far
The truth flows through my veins
And, the truth is all I have

C/F

My heart beat tells me my truth…
I live a melody that sings of you

Laugh every now and then? Vaffanculo…

I will never be sorry
For the love in my heart
For saying what I need to throw into the universe
For doing what I must do
For living what I feel
And, though you look at me with disdain
With the same eyes that once swallowed me whole
No, I will never be sorry

Only think of me
And say…
“She was not small”

I decided
Long ago
To stop asking
Do I deserve you in my life?

I decided
Long ago
To stop asking
Out loud in the night
Will you ever hold my hand?

I decided
Long ago
I’m just going to love you
Because… I simply love who I love

Now I ask the night
To hold you safe
To bring you joy
And, that you sometimes remember I smiled for you

I ask the heavens
To leave love in my heart
Instead of begging
To take it all away

I ask that love never leaves me
So, my heart keeps on beating
When I miss something I never had
Or when I remember, how easily I was erased

I decided
Long ago
That this is how I will love you

C/F

Can you hear me?