Advice…
Memoria…
Will you think of me
When you stand beside the ocean
The wind blowing against your skin
Will you find my name in that moment
Will you know it is me
Caressing you
Will you know I travelled far
Carrying only my hopes and dreams
Clutching something that would never be
Will you be happy to know
Though I never met you
I loved you
I am with you
There, everywhere
I am the energy of the wind and waves
In the waters that divide us
You can find me, feel me
Forever
Will you think of me
When you stand beside the ocean
🕊Peace
C/F
*Dedicated to those souls, who crossed the land and sea, but never reached a shore where their lives, and the love within them could flourish.
Rain…
I remember the sound of the rain
Falling hard outside my window
Pounding on the tiles of the roof
Not letting me sleep
I remember drowning
In my bed, alone
Nobody to hear me
Nobody to lift me
Why did I go?
I have hated the sound of rain since that night
I hated how it felt on my skin
How it made my aging bones cold
But, tonight I stood under the night sky
I let the drops fall on my face
I stood still, until I was soaked
And let the cold shock me
Then I walked
And, with every step I remembered
I remembered something bigger than me
Bigger than you
Bigger than heartbreak
Bigger than the silence
I remembered that I loved you
More than you ever knew
Now that you are gone
In every drop of rain
I will find you
🕊Peace
Peaks….
I saw an American eagle fly
Above the snow cap
Expressing itself in the wind
I saw the blue of a glacier
Caving
Louder than expected
The waves of the water
Bringing me up
Then down
I saw the eagle
Living life, free
Il Momento della Verità…
I flew far on hope
Across the land and ocean
I learned a new language
Readied words on my tongue
The clock didn’t stop
Or did it?
For one brief moment
When I opened a door
And let light and love fill me
I waited years
A lifetime, really
To let the words fall from my lips
I left everything on the floor
To be stepped on, stepped over
Laughter in the distance…
Life challenges the soul
Reminding the heart to beat
Giving meaning to life
Memories never to forget
Peace. 🕊
Silencio…
You are the constant silence
At the end of my words
You are the relentless quiet
That fills my days
You are the sound I don’t want
The sound I always want
It’s you who deafens me
You are the muse in a conversation I wished for
—words I never heard—
In a story I believed in
A fable I penned
You are the wretched silence of the night
A desire that doesn’t speak
I am pulled every which way by you
But never close
How much I want
To turn the silence into sound
A melody only we would know
And hum to each other
But, I can’t
All I can hear is my own breathing
When all I want to hear is yours
Sawubona…
Go to an opera in Rome
Let tears fall to the sound of the music
Find the beauty of the story
Go to an Italian futbol match
Shout at the top of your lungs
Feel the joy of the victory
Spend time at a museum
Study life and love expressed by artists
Learn to see the world differently
Stay awake to the sound of the rain
Beating outside your window
Drown your thoughts
Be alive
Breathe
Even when others won’t or can’t see you
Silence yourself, your deafening doubts
With every step on the pavement
Raise your head to see new things
Be proud of the reflection in the mirror
You took your one chance
You were brave
Know yourself
The corner lines of your eyes tell your story
Feel your chest rise and fall, you are alive
There is peace
Even for dreamers
Like you
Hear the honesty of your heart
-CF
A Little Advice…
Sometimes you have to travel far, sit alone, and let out emotion to understand that only you can find the answers to the questions your heart is asking. If someone sees you differently than the reflection in your mirror, then they will never see the real you. You can’t ask people to love you for who you are, you can only hope. You can’t hold someone’s hand, if they don’t want you.
Spending all your money, wearing your best clothes, putting the right perfume in your hair. Make sure you do those things for you and only you.
And, when it’s time to say F* you to someone, or to the world, do it loud, because you deserve to be seen and heard.
I Crossed an Ocean…
Today I…
Reclaim my body
– From illness, from age, from stress
Walk away from those who never appreciated all that I am
– I gave what I had in my heart, with love – true love
Reclaim my heart
– From those who never gave it proper value
Believe in tomorrow
– Because, I am surrounded by blessings and people who truly love me
Will be heard
– I will use my voice, stronger, louder
Will be seen
– I will stand in places I never thought I would, in travel, in life
Make a promise
– I won’t forget
Walk forward
– One foot in front of the other, until I raise my eyes and see things I never dreamed of
Today, I crossed an ocean… for me
Truth…
One of my favorite quotes:
“Recordar es fácil para el que tiene memoria, olvidar es difícil para el que tiene corazón.”
-Garcia Márquez
Garcia Marquez was a man who knew the human heart, and could write about the complexity of love and how it manifested itself in life.
“Love is not whole. Love is not kind. Love is not always understood. It can be insufferable, just as easily as it can be everything.”
-Courtita
With Age…
With age, with time, you realize that simple gestures are the ones that give life meaning.
Letters from My Father…
I just finished watching a TED talk about something called the “365 Day Project,” where you wake up everyday and say a meaningful “thank you” to someone in your life. It was a wonderfully inspiring talk, with one part in particular that stood out for me. The speaker was telling the story of how hard it was to say thank you to his own father. I instantly found myself thinking of my own dad.
May father died on Memorial Day last year (2017). I had his ashes buried at Quantico National Cemetery here in Virginia, close to me. I sadly never took the time to say thank you to my father when he was alive – like the speaker of the TED talk did. And, in the last couple of years, of the few times I had a chance to visit with him in Texas, we did most of our talking with our eyes, as the Alzheimers and Dementia took most of my dad’s ability to speak and convey thoughts.
I remember the day he asked me to pull a photo album from his nursing room drawer. We looked at pictures, and he would point and smile at the faces of the people that defined his life. But, it wasn’t until after the third or fourth picture that I realized what he was conveying was that he wanted to know who they were. It broke my heart into a million pieces. The only two pictures he recognized were photos of his parents, my mother, and me as a child. When he saw the picture of me, at age 2 or 3, he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and reached out for my hand. I remember how soft his hand felt in mine, and I was shattered to know my daddy had come to this state of mind, this state of being.
I never thanked him for all the things he taught me. I spent most of my life fixated on the things he had done wrong, and hardly ever let myself remember that he was a good dad. But now that I don’t have him, the memories are coming back.
I never thanked him for teaching me that shirt pocket protectors filled with pens and rulers were cool. I never thanked him for insisting on checking my math homework on his clipboard every single night, even though he had a long day at work. I never thanked him for planting the seeds of female independence by showing me that I had to learn to push the lawnmower and shovel snow, just like my brother. He would tell me that school was the only option, and to never settle for just passing grades, but “aim for that ‘A’, because you’re not going to get it for free.”
I remember how he played a role in inspiring me to public service, by introducing me to political debates as a child, and explaining why things were good or bad, in his opinion anyway. I remember him coming home with Ronald Reagan posters, and the excitement he felt when his daughter was excited to be a young Republican stumping for Reagan’s election. He taught me that you can’t sit and wait for national change, you have to be a part of the system to make sure your ideas are heard.
I remember when I joined the Army, that he was proud of me (even though I wasn’t going to be a US Marine.) He was the one who wrote me the most during the war. I felt like Hawkeye from MASH, with all the letters from dad. There were so many, that I confess I still have some unopened ones. But, I kept them all. Today, the letters are in a box under my bed. I put them there when he passed away, to keep him close to me. I have been afraid to open them… until I saw this project online.
While I can’t say “thank you” to him in person, I realize that I can send that energy out to him in the universe, where I know his spirit is thriving again. I have decided to open a letter each day, and revisit the words my father gave me, as he intended. It will be my way of reconnecting with the man I remember and not the frail patient he had become. When I am done reading every single letter, I will make a special trip to his gravesite, and I will thank him for the man he was, and I will acknowledge that I am who I am today, because of his positive attributes, and his faults. I hope to feel his strength around me, the way I did when he would carry me as a little girl, when he would hug me and call me “princess.”
Just a Song…
I recently heard a verse from a song from one of my favorite contemporary artists, and it inspired this. I haven’t written in awhile. I hope he doesn’t mind that I am building on his lyrics, with a story about finding strength.
Just a Song…
Grazie per avermi fatto male…
-I wished you could hear my heartbeat
Non lo dimenticherò…
-I am more than what you made me into
Grazie, io riparto…
-after all I’ve been through, I won’t come back
Solo controvento, ricomincerò…
-with age, you will know I am not the fool you see today
Non lo dimenticherò…
-neither will you
Solo una canzone
-your smile was my song
What I Won’t Forget…
That none of it mattered.
That all of it mattered.
How important you were to me.
This Woman Defined
Brown Hair
Warm Eyes
Skin that burns easily in the sun
Nails painted red
Lipstick to define a smile when delighted
Perfume, Chanel No.5
Proud veteran
Expert shot
Life doesn’t pass her by
Mother of a daughter
Part of the American workforce
Educated by choice
Traveller by passion
Energized by the landscape, by the sunshine
Creatively empowered by the moon
Dives into art
Moves to the music of the world
Cooks with passion
Empathetic
Compassionate
Smartly forgiving
10 scars…seen
Countless unseen
Thankful for all the experiences
Strong
Purveyor of comfort
Collector of minimal luxuries
Opportunity is the only promise she ever believed in
She never stops chasing possibilities
Grateful that she lives the American dream
All About This Song…
Wise words…
Wise words…
“It’s during the storm when you learn who truly loves you.”
…I love you two times
Expected…
Awake…
I am awake
From the longest dream I’ve had in years
Feeling again the wind on my face
Believing in the life around me
In a world full of hate and uncaring
I see as though I was never blinded by love
I kiss the air with words from deep within
Ready. Set. Go. I am running again
No goodbye, no hello
No promises to forget, or to remember
Just what was always in my heart
Love. LOVE. Spirit and forgiveness.
Yes, my eyes are open
I won’t let them close
I want to witness life, love, happiness
My positive energy is ample, I am willing
No regrets, no mistakes
Memories will stay
I will smile with empathy
I will live out loud
Ohio, or Canada :-| …
He. Was. There. Sometimes she thinks of all the things that didn’t have to be. About how he told her a story, and how she wanted it to be her’s too. None of the lies hurt anyone, none, except the final one. He. Was. There. That fact shattered her. Then she realized, all those pieces he left behind were just new colors to add to the mosaic that is her life, her art, her design. In the end, those small pieces, will only be a tiny hint of color in her portrait. Only she will determine what is left behind for the world to remember her by. As for the story? Well, it was a story she had heard before. He was never going to change the ending, at least not for her…
I Crossed an Ocean... 