Author: Courtita

That moment when you accomplish something you did not even know you wanted…

Thank you — universe — for giving me a gift that filled the void.

All the things I have done
Knowing who I am as a human
     The blessings
          The opportunities
               The lessons learned
Centered by my core
Colored by my own ambitions
Crafted, not by fate, but by decision

...I don't regret a thing, except for

Chances not taken
Opportunities that passed me by 
Love lost
Letting my eyes overrule my heart when it mattered most

But, in important moments like this
Allowing for reflections on my life
I can shout this to the world...

     I have spoken with care
          I have loved with honesty
              And, I have lived well

Will you ever say you're sorry for hurting her
The one who simply cared without knowing better
To the one who waited without ever hearing a compliment, or a kindness from you
The one who let you steal the air from her lungs, every time you looked at her
The one who never asked for anything more than
Time, a gentle smile, a laugh, a song...
The one who only wanted to know the feel of your hand in hers
Will you ever heal a broken heart that does not beat in your chest...
      ...but sincerely beat for you?

C/F

Should I disappear?
Far from your reach, your stare
Far from the truth only we once knew
Far from the lie we once were
Far from the hope that you'll come back

Will my heart heal, if I disappear?
Will the thought of you fade, if I would just disappear?

C/F

I lay in the grass
Wind pushing the reeds around me
Soft stalks waving
The sun steals so much from me

In this place, light and dark surround me
I rise to see a well
So far away
Yet, I rise
Yet, I walk
Until I fall at the base
I drink for life
I drink for love
I drink to stay present in this world
Drops stay on my lips
I imagine what it would be
To have you there
Would you kiss away the drops?
I look back to where I came from
Always looking for you… in this Neverland

You can remember
The good things
Or only the bad things
... I choose to remember
All that you were over your lifetime

You will always be in my memory

Rest In Peace

Today he gave me the gift of appreciation, on a level that brought me to tears. He took away so many of the things that weigh heavy on me with a simple gesture. He is the "Yin" to my "Yang." He is the one who loves me unconditionally, and lives to smile and laugh with me. He never ceases to surprise me, and center me. 

Pablo Neruda's Sonnet #17 speaks to a part of me, but these words... it is these words that exemplify his ability to communicate that which lives within.

"...Te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras, 
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma...

...Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde, 
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo: 
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera..."

Pablo Neruda, “Sonnet: XVII” 

I didn’t hide from you…
Even when I was fading to darkness

Though you never chose me
I kept choosing you
Even when you stopped smiling
Even when kindness turned to something less
When the you that I loved
Became the you that you really are
I didn’t hide from you…

You are gone
But, with every loss comes reinvention
A new evolving reflection, born
I am more than I am today
I am more than I will be tomorrow
With time, memories will sting less 
My heart will soften from hard lessons
Your name will be far from lips

This journey
It's nothing new to a woman like me
I lost myself in you
And, you lost something wonderful...


C/F

I saw more in your eyes
Than any woman ever will
I feel more pain in your silence
Than any woman ever should
And still, you are with me
And that truth
You must bear too

I would have crossed the line for you
Traversed an ocean for you
Done anything you wanted
Without taking an iota from your world

Nevertheless, with each day that passes
I pay a price, for caring out loud
I have only known the worst of you
When, I am the one
Who believes in a story
That could have been the best of you

C/F

     Today I read a line, “when the time is right, let’s meet again for the first time.” The words were accompanied by a photo of a golden lit winding road. The romantic nature of this sentiment was almost too much to bear. To be prepared to walk alone. To wait for actions alone. To have faith in the future.             

How is it that the human condition allows us to move in life, with embers of affection still sparking? And, what gives us the strength to keep that level of hope alive? Is it possible that love proves our existence, and is the heart’s strength a gift? To acknowledge love is one of the greatest things we can do on this earth; you can actually feel how it doesn’t just propel you to move physically through life, but also, how it drives us to a full existence.

-C/F  27FEB23

In the shade of the night
With the energy of the stars
And, with the light of the moon
You will find me…
… Sempre
You may never have had faith in me
But, I unceasingly believe in you

-C/F

Today was a big day in my life
A day I won't ever forget
And I looked for you
But, you are not here to share this with me

My heart is heavy...

Head on your shoulder
Exhaustion in my heart
Silence spilled from my lips
As I sat besides you under the sake tree

Just 18 years old
In a place I had never been
In a space that was unfamiliar
A broken heart on the mend
From the one who said he loved me, then sailed across the sea
And the one who kissed me on the golf course
Lifting me from loneliness
Then, drove away
Leaving me to face judgment, alone

Then there you were
Your eyes told me you cared deeply
Yet you never took anything from me
You built me up
From all the broken pieces
And, never crossed the line

Because of you
I learned I could be loved and not abandoned.
It was beautiful, and confusing, and exactly what I needed

And as you moved on
I told you “if you’re not married by 30, marry me”
It was my all of my heart
It was more than a simple “I love you too”

Always and forever
Katie
Under the sake tree

To miss you, Is confusing
Wanting your happiness, Knowing I am the cost
A madness, A strength
A sadness, A longing
To find you
I can only reach within me
Knowing not your hand
Knowing not your heart
But, in knowing mine

-CF

The sun he gave me faded with silence and indifference. Never once did he leave me with hope that I flowed through his veins. Never once have I had peace in me, since the day he asked me not to say the words…

With each dawn I shall wake 
But, I will not let my mind wander to you 
Even as another Spring passes 
And the seasons tell a tale of how once upon a time you found me 

I will keep waking 
And, with each day 
My name will be more distant from your tongue 
So your temper may fade away 

Between sunrise and sunset 
I will reach for all the reasons why I travelled this far
To see I am in not in your thoughts
And, in the silence of each morning 
I will hear that my name is not a lyric in the song you sing...

Confess to the wind
Let it carry your words far
Feel deserved peace
Allow air to fill your lungs with the love you have within
Let your burden fade away...

Give yourself grace and kindness.

Find joy in the place where the love in you lives, even when you know it alone.

Forgive the ones that failed you, because they lost more than just you.

And, never regret the reasons why your heart has a rhythm… dance all of your years to it.